KEROSENE BEARS HAVE FUN

Unfortunately, I’ve never belonged to a close knit youth group. Alas, I don’t know how I came out so well considering the circumstances! But I have visited many youth groups and known many youth pastors in my growing up in the bible belt. Here are some things I observed a Youth Pastor must absolutely have:

• Cargo Shorts (the more pockets the better).
• Sandals (it was flip flops back in my day, but I’m sure it’s Chacos now).
• Goatee and frosted tips that portrays your extreme love of Christ.
• A “Clever Christian Phrase Made Surprisingly Relevant to Today’s Youth” T-shirt or you know… just one from last year’s Passion Conference. Overdone graphics with irony and subtle Biblical references are a must.
• Typically Overweight: teens love fat people because it comforts their insecurities and provides a topic of endless self-deprecating humor that can be utilized by the Youth Pastor. The weight issues are often from drinking too much beer in college, which is a great boost to their edgy testimony.
• Likes Shane & Shane, Casting Crowns, and any of those bands that utilize vocals much the same way you would utilize a toilet while dramatically constipated (i.e. straining to feign emotion).
• Says “guys”, “ya know”, “crap” (and other softcore cursewords), “just”, and other casual words or phrases as much as possible not only in conversation and teaching, but also in prayers. There’s nothing cooler and more genuine than someone who talks to the Almighty God of the universe like He’s you’re drinking buddy, or your middle school lab partner.
• Can you feign emotion to the point of actual tears when presenting today’s relevant lesson? this some time will be necessary when talking about your fatness and how people use to judge you for it in High School… but you’re now totally comfortable with it and even make jokes about it constantly to emphasize your comfortability.
• Must have a wild and crazy past that you have since reverted from so that you can relate to the “lost” kids and the “found” ones just as well… or you know, just be fat.

If you are a youth pastor and you’re looking for some relevant names to call your youth group. Try this site: www.youthpastor.com